The Amazing Uncle Dan

My daughters are in awe of their Uncle Dan.  He has been a forever fixture in their lives, since his marriage to my sister in 1992 predates their existence.  Because we live 6 hours away, Uncle Dan is a strange curiosity to them.

But regardless of the distance, he is a super hero to all three of us.

The girls watch their Uncle Dan like hawks, and they're amazed.  He does all kinds of crazy things.  Wakes early to cook breakfast for the whole gang when we visit.  Offers to help his wife with dinner without being asked.  Prods his children to go ask Mom what they can do.  Never allows his family to be put into a situation that he deems dangerous.  Knows when to be serious and when to lob a water balloon at an unsuspecting kid.  Rounds up his family and gets them to church.  And my personal favorite:  spends HOURS making peach cobbler at a campground IN A DUTCH OVEN OVER THE FIRE as a surprise for his sister-in-law.  Yum!

I don't know if Uncle Dan realizes that three sets of eyes are constantly noting his behavior.  Two of them belong to the girls, who have only seen this kind of quiet servanthood from their Papa.  The third set is mine, filled with admiration, plus a heart full of gratitude on my sister's behalf and about a million prayers for Uncle Dan as he unknowingly shapes my girls' hopes, dreams and expectations.

"Uncle Dan would...."  Those words have been whispered again and again in my home and each time they give me hope that the girls know there is a better way and that love isn't so much hearts and roses as it is sacrifice and selflessness.

Bless you, Uncle Dan!  For not only being a wonderful husband and father to your own family, but a super hero to mine.  I pray for you daily, because I know that where there are two little girls watching, there are probably a hundred more keeping tabs on how well you love.

Forget a knight in shining armor, darling daughters of mine.  Hold out for a quiet gentleman like your Uncle Dan.  And if you're lucky, he'll have a dimpled smile as well.

No More "I Love Yous"

Ahhhh, Valentine's Day.  For the past 15 years of my life, a day traditionally fraught with anxiety and angst.  Until this year.  

< Insert mental picture here > Sarah skipping down the card aisle at the grocery store, past all of the other shoppers huddled around the pink and sparkly V-Day cards.  Pushing the cart ahead of me, headed to the candle section for a new fragrance called "Alone and Loving It" or "Finally Free of the Nightmare."  

My anthem as of late is the Annie Lennox song "No More I Love Yous."  Here's the line that most grips my soul: "I used to have demons in my room at night.  Desire.  Despair.  Desire.  Sooooo many monsters."

Apart from the fact that I'm a Christian and I believe that there literally *was* an entourage of demons assigned to my abusive marriage, I can completely relate to this warped definition of love.  Desire.  Despair.  Effort.  Expectations. Discouragement.  V-Day card buying immediately necessitated a trip to the therapist.  How to find a card that is both honest and kind?  Most years I chose a humorous one with cartoon characters and jokes, or the ones with no text, labeled "Simply Stated."  

Simply stated:  You are slowly and inevitably killing me and our marriage.  Stop it!  (That's the G-rated version.)

Oh, the games that have to be played by a Christian wife who is cautiously holding the hands of both hope and despair at the same time.

This year the final papers are to be signed on February 15.  The date was originally today, V-Day, but a huge snowstorm ruined my intentional and ironic plans, so the 15th will have to do.

Everyone who hears gives me their sad faced apologies and must be puzzled when I break into a huge smile.  I understand.  God hates divorce and rightly so -- it's a wrenching amputation of one flesh, devoid of anesthesia and a sharp blade.  So while I'm not celebrating over my divorce, I AM celebrating freedom from abuse and a horribly warped definition of Love that almost swallowed me whole.  

No more "I love yous."  The language is leaving me in silence.  No more "I love yous."  Changes are shifting outside the words, outside the words.

Hear the full song here.

If you listen to the song you might think it's sad for this poor lady who is no longer speaking the language of love.  But for women who have been forced to speak Satan's twisted and evil dialect of love, it's pure FREEDOM to breeze past the V-Day displays, intent on learning and speaking pure love -- with Jesus, Love Himself, who sings His pleasure over us every single day!  

"Changes are shifting outside the words.   Outside the words."

I'm Proud of My Humility

"I'm proud of my humility."  These words were delivered in sermons by my father on more than one occasion when I was a child.  They stuck in my mind because I liked the play on words.  They remained there because I wrestle with the sin.

It's no surprise, since the Leader of the Rebellion, that old snake, satan (whose name I refuse to capitalize), has pride to thank for his downfall.  "I will ascend to the heavens...."  (Isaiah 14:13).  Just like me, in an attempt to appear humble, Satan only thought those words in his heart, but the One who perceives every thought from afar (Psalm 139:2 ) called him on the carpet and then threw him to the earth.

I have been rescued from satan's kingdom (Colossians 1:13) but my flesh is still pulled in his direction, and because pride is so easily hidden in my thoughts while my face fakes humility, it can grow like a root -- under the surface for months before finally bursting through the concrete into the light of day.

Pride over things under my control, which seems understandable considering the effort I put into this life.  But pride over things completely undeserved, as well.  Pride over gifts that God has given me -- gifts given only by His grace! Wonderful, godly parents who I did not choose.  Along with them, genetics that have thus far kept me disease-free and healthy.  The time and place of my birth, chosen by God (Acts 17:26) for His reasons and which blessedly saved me from other times and places in history which would have been my undoing.  Along with a host of other blessings, none of which I can take any credit for.

And then there is my pride over God's grace itself, a pride which tempts lightning bolts to strike from heaven -- which would be well-deserved! -- and over which God continues to show me mercy and grace (Eph 2:9).  This is one of those circular conversations along the lines of "I know that you know that I know that you know...."  God shows mercy and grace over the fact that I am prideful that He shows mercy and grace over my pride....

And so I finally come to the end of myself with the realization that my pride is tempted to boast over all things and in all ways, and the final truth of the matter is that nothing I have is deserved, but everything is a gift, all of it straight from God's gracious hand, the ultimate Source of All Good Things (James 1:17), no matter whether they seem to spring from heaven or earth.

And once again all things complicated boil down to simple truths, clarified by the words of wiser men in Westminster's Catechism:  My chief end is only to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, free of pride and full of eternal gratefulness for every good thing that He has lovingly bestowed on me.  These men simply echoed John the Baptist's cry to once and for all put pride to death:

"He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less."  (John 3:30)

So that even blog posts that tempt me to pridefulness are considered garbage compared to the surpassing worth of knowing and being found in Jesus.  (Philippians 3)

A Friendship Manifesto

There's no doubt about it:  I wouldn't have made it this far without my friends.  They have been more faithful than my spouse, more consistent than my accountant and more intimate than my dentist.  (I was going to write "my gynecologist" there but thought it might give you the wrong impression.)

And boy, have I needed them!  Probably more than most Christian wives, as I battled through 14 hellish years of an abusive "Christian" marriage and the constant emotional hemorrhaging that resulted from abuse/confront/forgive/counseling/repeat.

It's not one-sided though.  Not only have I made a slew of 3am phone calls; I've received them from my friends as well.  We've talked, laughed and cried our way through marriages, infidelity, same-sex attraction, financial woes, prodigal kids, health scares and diseases, the list goes on and on.

I'll admit, there were times I went to meet a friend for coffee with no idea of what to tell her.  Who am I, to have any kind of answers, and what is it exactly that God wants me to speak into this dear one?  Does letting her vent constitute gossip or slander, and does listening to her sometimes sinful reactions and coping mechanisms give my silent approval of her choices?  How to be a friend who can bear burdens while at the same time holding up the high standards of godly behavior?

These questions have led me to write the following Friendship Manifesto.  So if we are blessed to be friends, here are my promises to you:

1)  I will let you be yourself.  Struggles, flaws, idiosyncrasies accepted.  You do not need to hide anything from me.  After over forty years, nothing is shocking to me anymore.  In addition, I've probably done a lot of the same shameful things you have or am close friends with someone who has.  What you see is what you get with me, and you have the same freedom to let it all hang out over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.

2)  I will be your sounding board; no editing necessary.  You are welcome to emotionally vomit all over me while you are venting your feelings and reactions.  You do not have to pause to edit your thoughts, and cursing will not make me blush.  Get it all out, sister, and then we'll sort through the ugliness together and make sense of the facts once the emotions die down.

3)  I will laugh and cry with you.  And howl and stomp and cackle if necessary and/or helpful.  I will celebrate to double your joy and cry to halve your sorrow.  The winners of three-legged races are successful because they hold tight to each other, and that's the kind of friendship I want with you.  I will provide the kleenex and will blame you the next day when my stomach muscles ache from laughing together.

4)  I will be honest with you.  Who needs a friend who only knows half of what you're going through?  Shame won't keep me from admitting my sinfulness and it shouldn't silence you, either.

4a)  ....including gentle rebukes and reminders.  What kind of friend doesn't speak up when you most need it, when your emotions are taking over and you're struggling for sanity?  If a friend is brave enough to disagree with you and tell you so, they're the kind who loves you enough to offend you with the truth.

5)  I will be patient with your struggles.  Studies show that abused women "leave" their abuser (only to return) about 8 times before making the final break.  Just ask my friends and family how maddening it was to watch me waffle and waver year after year.  But there are some decisions that can only be made by the person involved, and the hardest ones fall into this category.  So I may advise you and possibly bug you to do something, but I will never dump you out of weariness over your struggles, no matter how long they drag out.

5a)  ....but I won't approve of sinfulness, because I love you.  This doesn't mean I'll judge you or condemn you.  I'll love you and pray for you and celebrate with you as you gain baby steps of victory.

6)  After all of the above, I'll remind you to come to the right conclusions.  Conclusions are absolutely necessary.  Venting is momentarily helpful but doesn't lead to change.  Conclusions do!  So once you've spilled your guts all over my coffee table, I'll always ask that leading question:  "So what are you going to do?"

6a)  ....and the right conclusion is always JESUS!  Our thinking needs to line up with His thinking because He's the Way, the Truth and the Life.  Conclusions that aren't completely based on His Word and His Will will not be sufficient or satisfying.

7)  I will keep your secrets.  No cold sweats in the middle of the night that your secrets will be exposed to the world.  They won't be exposed to my spouse, my other friends, the internet or even my cat.  This is true regardless of the status of our friendship, because my commitment to you is based on my own integrity and nothing else.  Even if we have a WWIII kind of falling out, I still won't share your secrets.  (But really, how likely is that?!)

8)  I will pray for you.  I will share your secrets with the only One who knows you completely, pretty and ugly alike:  Jesus.  I promise to place your needs before His throne regularly and earnestly.  Especially when I have no idea what wisdom to share with you or how to pray.  When times are so dark that you can't pray for yourself, I'll do it for you.

2014 is The Year of Friendship for me as I anticipate divorcing and making some really huge changes.  I am going to need my friends more than ever before and am excited to see what amazing things God is going to do in our lives.  So take my hand, Dear Friend, and we will walk this journey together!

The Joy in a Four-Way Stop

My Favorites List is short and sweet:  sunglasses, chapstick, puzzles, cardinals, and four-way stops.

Yes, four-way stops.  Picture it:  four cars arrive at an intersection mere seconds apart.  Four completely unrelated individuals going four different directions, all with their own agenda.  No names are exchanged, there's no transaction of any kind, not even a nod of the head, though occasionally a gesture of deference.  It's fairness in its truest form.  You arrive first, you go first; be the last to arrive and by the time you've come to a complete stop it's usually your turn to go anyway.  There's even a guideline if the order is questionable -- the person on the right has the right-of-way in cases too close to call.

I marvel every time this works and my girls are used to my gushing praise.  "Do you see that, girls?  Do you see how everyone following the rules benefits all of us?  Do you see how simple and smoothly this works?  Now what would happen if every person who pulled up to this intersection made up their own rule about when they should be able to drive through it?"  Rolled eyes are the general response, and I'm okay with that.  My youth was spent with the same undercurrent of rebellion.  Rules are stupid things that keep me from what I want.  Life would be so much more fun if I didn't live under this tyrant of a parent.

Rules seemed like constant hurdles to be jumped or at the least circumvented.  They stood in the way of my wants and desires and even the simplest ones were an irritant.  And so I rebelled against the rules in large and small ways and discovered the pain of consequences.  There might be pain in living under the rules, but there's certainly no long-term pleasure in living without them.

It takes time and maturity to discover that it's much easier to obey the rules than to deal with the consequences.  Pick one, rules or consequences, because you're going to have to be reconciled to one or the other.

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."  Psalm 119:32

The Holy Spirit had a different highway in mind when he first drafted the laws to be written on our hearts.  Not a path filled with inconvenient hurdles, but laws that form the borders of the track, keeping out unnecessary hurt, pain and heartache, allowing us to run the race without anything to trip us up. 

"....let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us...."  Hebrews 12:1

Running a trail race this weekend was a visual reminder of how much easier it is to stay on the marked path, following the route markers.  Though I didn't know what to expect around the next corner, I was able to keep my pace, confident that someone familiar with the area had gone ahead and marked the easiest path with the fewest obstacles.

So run your race, Dear Daughters, with the confidence that comes from staying in the path of His commands, for He has set your heart free from all of those nasty consequences that lay outside the marked path.  And no rolling stops, please, because police officers are also interested in your driving habits at a four-way stop -- though not quite as concerned as your Earthly Mother and Heavenly Father.

Valentine Schmalentine

Valentine's Day is one big dilemma for me.  There, I said it.

Commercialism aside, it just doesn't make sense.  Happily married couples don't need an assigned day to prove their love with flowers and chocolate because they already have one that would appear to be much more personal:  their anniversary.  To boot, happily married people are likely already finding ways to show their love and commitment every day -- which is part of the reason for their contentment to begin with.  So let's just admit that the rest of us are happy though secretly jealous of that group and push them to the side, shall we?

While I'm at it, can I finally admit that the cynic in me prefers to use "V-Day" instead of Valentine's Day?  V-Day sounds like soldiers storming beaches, or some newly discovered type of venereal disease, and since my February 14ths have traditionally been full of yearning, disappointment and angst (and basically in that order), the nickname fits pretty well.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  (Proverbs 13:12)  Heartsick is a good word for it, and it's something that no amount of chocolates can satisfy.  You can trust me on this one -- drowning your sorrows in chocolate only leads to weight gain and regret.  Can I get an "Amen?"

And the hopes, dreams and needs that put us in this position aren't wrong -- they're placed in our hearts by our Creator Himself.  Formed in the image of the Holy Three in One who delights in communion within Himself -- and moved heaven and earth to have communion with us, our hearts echo His cry for intimacy.  The earth itself sees the fallout:  "Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up.... an unloved woman who is married...."   (Proverbs 30:21, 23)  The resulting dilemma is that those of us who are not experiencing a healthy, loving relationship are stuck, staring longingly at the tree of life, unable to jump high enough to reach its branches.  

Solution Number One:  Stuff the hurts deep inside, pretend the needs don't exist, harden our hearts and become cynical.  I have tried this.  And it works.  For a while.  And then you are living on half a heart and the ice in your veins leaks into other relationships and you realize it's not any kind of a solution you can live with.

Solution Number Two:  Find a new lover.  

I am not talking Craigslist or e-Harmony here.  See, whether you realize it or not, the Man of Your Dreams has been pursuing you your entire life.  

He collects your tears in a bottle.  Psalm 56:8

He dances over you with joy.  Zephaniah 3:17

He delights in giving you good things.  Luke 12:32

He knows your every thought.  Psalm 139:2

He has good plans for you.  Jeremiah 29:11

He will never fail you.   Deuteronomy 31:6

The list goes on and on, and you can find all the love letters He has ever written to you in the pages of your Bible.  No more Valentine's Days spent hoping that someone will remember your favorite flower, or giving yourself a pep talk when he was completely neglectful all year long but thinks that today's bouquet makes everything better.  No more pressure that this day is somehow an overarching statement of your value for all time.  You are perfectly known, perfectly loved and perfectly accepted by the Lover of Your Soul, whose name is Faithful and True.  (Psalm 18:19, Psalm 23:6, Revelation 19:11)

This morning He kissed my faced with sunshine, sang me a song in a cardinal's voice and flooded my heart with His love, His Spirit and His presence.   "My Lover is mine and I am his."  (Songs of Solomon 2:16)  Flowers and chocolate, indeed!  

Becoming a Fun Mom

Know how you come up with a great response to someone -- an hour after the conversation ends? This occurs to me regularly after a speaking engagement.  Last week's was with a wonderful group of ladies at SVEFC, where I encouraged them to find ways to be a Fun Mom.  A day later my mind is filled with ideas that I forgot to mention, so I thought I'd post them here for any of you with ankle biters who need some inspiration.

If you have a child, you have a Resident Expert On Fun.  It's what children live for, it's how they learn, it's what makes them such a joy and at times such a nuisance.  Moms, we would do well to follow their lead every once in awhile.  And contrary to what you might be thinking, you don't have to neglect all that is necessary and wise in raising children to have fun with them; you just have to learn how to have fun while actually *doing* all those important tasks.  In fact, once you're a Certified Fun Mom, I think you'll agree with me that having fun actually makes your job that much easier!

So here are some ordinary chores and routines and ways to add some fun to the mix while you do them:

Meals

Meals have endless opportunity for fun, simply because you have a whole variety of dishes at your disposal.  Let the kids set the table using the dishes in your china cabinet -- and don't give them any instructions.  They will amaze you with their creativity and the job will be done with no whining!  We have eaten entrees off of platters, emptied juice boxes into wine glasses and used pickle forks and baby food spoons.  Let them raid the cooking utensil drawer, too; there's nothing more fun than watching Dad eating spaghetti with tongs.

Shish kebob sticks are a great way to get kids excited about eating, especially when they don't like what's put before them.  Throw some on the table and let kids design their own bobs. Toothpicks work just as well.

Colored meals are a hit in my home, usually on Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day with a bit of ingenuity and some food coloring.

Our family tradition during dinner is for each person to share three things:  the best event of the day, the worst event of the day, and a "Jesus thing."  (Something they are thankful for, something God helped them with, or a way God spoke to their heart that day.)  These sharing times have become very precious to me and I've discovered really amazing things about my kids through them.  They also give me great insight into what my kids are dealing with and how to pray for them.

Bath Time

Kids who weren't so excited about bath time at my house were allowed to sit on the edge of the tub soaking their feet while I read them a short book.  By the time we were done reading, they were almost always all the way in.  Throw your measuring cups at them and any other small containers you have on hand.  Go through their plastic animals and sort them into baggies, then have a "frog bath" one night and a "duck bath" the next.  Shaving cream is a huge hit in our home; it suds up like no bubble bath can and is great for body painting.

Picking up the House

Give every kid a laundry basket and tell them they have two minutes to pick up anything of theirs that isn't where it belongs.  Give some kind of reward to the kid who collects the most stuff or to everyone who collects at least 20 items.

Laundry

Getting your kids involved in this chore is going to take patience because you can do it so much more quickly on your own, but now is the time to teach them because young children are usually eager to help at this stage.  Teach kids the types of loads you normally run (whites, colors, permanent press) and have them sort.  Even better -- stand with your arms held out in a circle and see if they can make baskets through your arms while they throw clothes in piles.  Of course, do this only if you are willing to get hit in the face with dirty underwear once or twice!  Or have the kids create the "baskets" and you do the sorting.  Our family always yells out the load name while throwing each piece -- something like a cheer.  "White!  Permanent Press!  Reds!  Darks!"  Let kids measure detergent and pour, and if you're feeling especially silly, let your kids sit on top of the washing machine during a spin cycle.  Don't ask me for any ways to make putting laundry away fun, though, because I haven't discovered any!  Add a comment if you have any ideas!

Bedtime

Bedtime is incredibly easy to fun-up.  Instead of sending your kids upstairs to put on jammies, give them a theme for their dreams.  "Tonight I think you should dream about fairies.  To make it easier, why don't you go to bed in fairy clothes."  Every house I know of has some kind of dress-up clothes,  and you can always set a timer and give them five minutes to surprise you with their choices.  I know, I know, some of you are thinking that they will make a mess in the process, and that their clothes will be totally inappropriate for sleeping.  Talk yourself off the ledge, Mom, if it scratches or is pokey in the night, they will take it off!

Have a Backwards Night and let your kids sleep with their head at the foot end of the bed.

Take every spare pillow you can find in the house and let them make a nest on the floor. (My favorite place to sleep as a kid was in the closet!)

Give them five extra minutes to arrange every single stuffed animal they own around the perimeter of their bed.  Five extra minutes of fun at bedtime is worth it when your kids go to sleep smiling instead of being yelled at by Angry Mom.

Miscellaneous Fun

Institute a No Talking Day.  This doesn't mean you can't communicate, it just means that everything anyone wants to say will have to be sung.  (Do not expect your husband to participate willingly.  It may be helpful to quietly sing in his ear what you are willing to do after the kids are in bed if he chooses to be Fun Dad instead of Rolling His Eyes Constantly Dad.)

Backwards Days are a big hit in my home, which can be as simple as reversing the order of meals.  Kids will love putting on their clothes backwards and even walking backwards if you are a good sport.

Being a Fun Mom doesn't mean neglecting what needs to be done in your home, it just means finding fun ways to do your regular tasks.  The payoff is not only for your children, it's for you, too!

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future.... Her children arise and call her blessed."   Proverbs 31:25, 28

Or, if they are three years old, they might simply say, "I have fun with you, Mommy!"