A Friendship Manifesto

There's no doubt about it:  I wouldn't have made it this far without my friends.  They have been more faithful than my spouse, more consistent than my accountant and more intimate than my dentist.  (I was going to write "my gynecologist" there but thought it might give you the wrong impression.)

And boy, have I needed them!  Probably more than most Christian wives, as I battled through 14 hellish years of an abusive "Christian" marriage and the constant emotional hemorrhaging that resulted from abuse/confront/forgive/counseling/repeat.

It's not one-sided though.  Not only have I made a slew of 3am phone calls; I've received them from my friends as well.  We've talked, laughed and cried our way through marriages, infidelity, same-sex attraction, financial woes, prodigal kids, health scares and diseases, the list goes on and on.

I'll admit, there were times I went to meet a friend for coffee with no idea of what to tell her.  Who am I, to have any kind of answers, and what is it exactly that God wants me to speak into this dear one?  Does letting her vent constitute gossip or slander, and does listening to her sometimes sinful reactions and coping mechanisms give my silent approval of her choices?  How to be a friend who can bear burdens while at the same time holding up the high standards of godly behavior?

These questions have led me to write the following Friendship Manifesto.  So if we are blessed to be friends, here are my promises to you:

1)  I will let you be yourself.  Struggles, flaws, idiosyncrasies accepted.  You do not need to hide anything from me.  After over forty years, nothing is shocking to me anymore.  In addition, I've probably done a lot of the same shameful things you have or am close friends with someone who has.  What you see is what you get with me, and you have the same freedom to let it all hang out over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.

2)  I will be your sounding board; no editing necessary.  You are welcome to emotionally vomit all over me while you are venting your feelings and reactions.  You do not have to pause to edit your thoughts, and cursing will not make me blush.  Get it all out, sister, and then we'll sort through the ugliness together and make sense of the facts once the emotions die down.

3)  I will laugh and cry with you.  And howl and stomp and cackle if necessary and/or helpful.  I will celebrate to double your joy and cry to halve your sorrow.  The winners of three-legged races are successful because they hold tight to each other, and that's the kind of friendship I want with you.  I will provide the kleenex and will blame you the next day when my stomach muscles ache from laughing together.

4)  I will be honest with you.  Who needs a friend who only knows half of what you're going through?  Shame won't keep me from admitting my sinfulness and it shouldn't silence you, either.

4a)  ....including gentle rebukes and reminders.  What kind of friend doesn't speak up when you most need it, when your emotions are taking over and you're struggling for sanity?  If a friend is brave enough to disagree with you and tell you so, they're the kind who loves you enough to offend you with the truth.

5)  I will be patient with your struggles.  Studies show that abused women "leave" their abuser (only to return) about 8 times before making the final break.  Just ask my friends and family how maddening it was to watch me waffle and waver year after year.  But there are some decisions that can only be made by the person involved, and the hardest ones fall into this category.  So I may advise you and possibly bug you to do something, but I will never dump you out of weariness over your struggles, no matter how long they drag out.

5a)  ....but I won't approve of sinfulness, because I love you.  This doesn't mean I'll judge you or condemn you.  I'll love you and pray for you and celebrate with you as you gain baby steps of victory.

6)  After all of the above, I'll remind you to come to the right conclusions.  Conclusions are absolutely necessary.  Venting is momentarily helpful but doesn't lead to change.  Conclusions do!  So once you've spilled your guts all over my coffee table, I'll always ask that leading question:  "So what are you going to do?"

6a)  ....and the right conclusion is always JESUS!  Our thinking needs to line up with His thinking because He's the Way, the Truth and the Life.  Conclusions that aren't completely based on His Word and His Will will not be sufficient or satisfying.

7)  I will keep your secrets.  No cold sweats in the middle of the night that your secrets will be exposed to the world.  They won't be exposed to my spouse, my other friends, the internet or even my cat.  This is true regardless of the status of our friendship, because my commitment to you is based on my own integrity and nothing else.  Even if we have a WWIII kind of falling out, I still won't share your secrets.  (But really, how likely is that?!)

8)  I will pray for you.  I will share your secrets with the only One who knows you completely, pretty and ugly alike:  Jesus.  I promise to place your needs before His throne regularly and earnestly.  Especially when I have no idea what wisdom to share with you or how to pray.  When times are so dark that you can't pray for yourself, I'll do it for you.

2014 is The Year of Friendship for me as I anticipate divorcing and making some really huge changes.  I am going to need my friends more than ever before and am excited to see what amazing things God is going to do in our lives.  So take my hand, Dear Friend, and we will walk this journey together!